Boris Johnson should be the Queen of England
The opinion polls make it clear: there are two things that England is infatuated with. The Royal Family, and Boris Johnson.
It is pretty clear from the conversation recently that the Royal Family, despite the support of the English masses, is stuck in an outdated rut.
Abolishing the Royal Family - as well as inciting the ire of every right wing pundit in the land - would raise concerns about the power and status that would be handed to politicians if they didn't have The Queen watching over them.
But what if the new republican leader was a purely ceremonial position? Somebody who carries out publicity stunts at crowded events but never actually holds any responsibility?
That would be the perfect role for Boris Johnson, a man who treats his existing responsibilities as a leader in exactly that way.
Mr. Johnson would be in his element being needed only for photoshoots, where the crowds gather to applaud his clown show act and rehearsed fumbling.
By promoting the Gunnersaurus from politician to dressage, he will get to indulge in his favourite acts, like having his name written on everything.
No doubt every town would need to have its own Boris Johnson Highway. His portrait would be pasted on every letter. And he could bond with Prince Philip over their mutual love for questionable relationships and casual racism.
This does all sound rather dystopian. The reality is that with so many people excusing Boris Johnson's every move, much like their immediate defence of anything the Royal Family, you have to accept that such a horrible outlook is exactly what many people want.
And if the nation must bask in the glow of the Johnson, it would surely be less damaging if he was doing a job where ego is embraced and arrogance cannot possibly do any more damage.